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Friday, June 29th, 2001
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1:28 pm
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im never gonna write in this journal again my new one is lost_inside.....bye!
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 17th, 2001
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8:27 pm
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I am getting a new journal naeme yet again because Brad is really pissing me off and someother ppl are to so if you want to know it ill either tell you or you can ask me.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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7:34 pm
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I'm back!!! I just got back from walking to Rite Aid with Mumbles and it was kewl i got ice cream!!!! and we talked so im not all that depressed anymore but i am still kinda woried cuz Mike was in a bad mood after school, he didnt want to talk about it so i left him alone and i havent heard from him again, i hope he is ok. well Brad is just digging himself a REALLY REALLY deep hole.My friend Aaron let me borrow his game so now i have something to do at night early morning if i cant call anyone or they have to go before i can sleep. well i think thats it for wgat happen today... i got my yearbook signed by a lot of ppl, some .. well most i dont even really know. im bored im bored im really really bored. i am gonna go for now so Later!!
current mood:  blank
current music: Nelly-Ride wit me
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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6:19 pm
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All I can say right now is I'm depressed bigtime and i keep listening to "are you there?" cuz i feel like nobody is here anymore for me at all........oh well later!!
current mood:  crushed
current music: Oleander~Are you there
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
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9:44 pm
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Today wa an okay day, i got my yearbook and my back is a little bruised but i am doing okay except the fact that my friend came up and patted me on the back...all i can say about that is OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! PAIN. but they didnt know, so i told them and now they wont stop saying they're sorry even thugh i have forgiven themabout a million times, and im not gonna forgive thm anymore if they keep apologizing. I was sitting on Mike's lap today and it made me realize yet again what i had lost and how much i want it back, but i probly will never get him back, and i am gonna have to face that one day and when i do i dont know how im gonna react. well my aunt still wants to know if iam gonna move in with her, she wants to know which decision i am leaning toward most, and i have no clue anymore. i have to take a shower in a little while, so im gonna go. Later!!
current mood:  ditzy
current music: Creed-Ode
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| Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
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9:02 pm - I'M SOOOOO HAPPY
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I got it back!!!!! I got it back!!!!!!!! and ill say it again I GOT IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and for the ppl who dont know what im talking about i got it back, my ability to write...i am sooo happy about it too. i wrote 2 poems just now well today, here we go.
Time moves slow
time goes past
A boring flow
fullfillment is past
The minutes, they stretch
interest depleting
I want to go
leave this place fleeing
The hours crawl
I sit here waiting
pushed down, and fall
I'm suffocating
Stuck in this place
the tentions rise
frustrations grace
inside my eyes
The seconds expand
the end is near
I'm at my wit's end
my constant fear....
and one more
Living in oblivion
living in hell
losing all hope
no one to tell
life is just a joke
a morbid sick game
shudder in fear
am i insane?
Shattered dreams
terrible lies
losing my faith
soul slowly dies
Hide from myself
stagger and fall
bury more pain
behind my wall
Pray for my death
release from this life
degrading existance
i bring out the knife
The pictures I carve
the life that i bleed
permanent scars
on misery i feed.
well there we go i got it back, at least for a while, maybe i just had to get hit a few times and once in the head to get it back. those were kind depressing but at the moment im not depressed i am happy except for the fact of my mother, but i dont want to die yet. im listening to this song and i kinda feel this way
" Is anybody even there?
or do they just pretend to care,
this time I need to know, are you there?
does anybody think they care,
begin to even understand, this time I need to know are you there?"
"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours, if they don't, they never were."-Anon
i like that quote and some others but i must go now. Later!!!
current mood: happy
current music: Smashing Pumpkins-Shame
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(comment on this)
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8:10 pm
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well today waspretty good, except for when i got home at around 6 from Mumbles's house i was gonna get online and the phone rang and it was some yelling and then a hang up, then it rang again and it was my little brother and all i heard was"Sissy i need you!" and in the backround my mother was yelling and cussing then the line went dead, so i RAN the whole way to Cloverland(they live a block away) from past fair oaks going to riverskank, i never thought i could run that far and fast in my life, im not even supposed to run that long or far. when i got to their house i could hear my brother screaming and my mother yelling, i went to the door and went in and i saw her push him into the wall(which is dejavu, she used to do that to me) so i ran over and started yelling at her and then i noticed she was drunk and probly doped up on some kind of drugs she abuses. and she got a binder and went after my brother so i grabed him and sheltered him in front of me and so she hit me in the back a few times. then in the head once, and when she got fed up i told David to run to the neighbors but he didn't so he sat inthe corner behind me and then my mom yelled at me and got in my face, usually iback down but i didnt this time i started to scream back at her, i had to defend my brother, hes only 8 and if i can prevent it she will NEVER hurt him again as long as i am there to stop it. so she tried to push me a few times buti didnt go very far. all i could hear in the backround was my little bro crying. so then she got the binder again and i told her if ahe hit me with it again i would kick her, she did and i kicked then she punched my stomach, then she left and went driving and i called my gma and she came and picked David and i up, thenwhen i got hiome i threw up and my back hurts, but i cant believe my mother, she just.. grrrrrrrr!!!!oh well, i feel so sorry for my little bro. but in other news, uhm, i REALLY DON"T know what im gonna do about moving with my aunt, i want to but then again i dont......AAAAHHHHHHHHH...too much to handle.... oh well i can make it i have to, ppl need me, even though i didnt think anybody did, ppl have told me and proved to me that they do need me, so i am really debating this now. but one person hasnt said whether or not he'd care if i did move away, oh well. i must go for now, Later!!
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Slipknot-Wait and Bleed
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| Monday, May 14th, 2001
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8:05 pm - SHITTY DAY
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yES I HAD A SHITTY DAY TODAY AND I FEEL EVEN WORSE. opps i had caps lock on oh well. i couldnt talk to mike last night early morning cuz i couldnt get back online cuz of my comp was on safe mode shit and it was being so ga and then after school when i was supposed to walk with him and a few of our friends i was waiting after school and i heard something from somebody about what mike "supposedly" said and that depressed me so i was sitting in the hallway and when they all walked by i looked up at them and mike(whether he meant to or not) gave me a dirty/weird look so i got up and left them back behind me and i threw my cross on the ground(OH MY GOD!!!), and the whole walk home i was in tears and wishing that a car or semitruck would swerve and hit me, but it didnt happen. and then janice got to my house and she had picked up my necklace(thanx janice) i didnt think any of them would have bothered. but i am really starting to get annoyed with "empty friends and lies"-from a poem of mine. i have friends that i considered"true friends" but "true friends stab you in the front" and they have been backstabbing me and i know who they are and i am very pissed at them! oh well. and lets see i am gonna ask mike if i can call him tonight so i can apologize for a few things, like after school today and stuff. he just wants to be friends and id rather have that than nothing. i found out that i need to tell my aunt whether or not im moving in by july 15 there is only one reason why i would stay, i WILL miss my "true friends"(the actual true ones) if and when i do move but i will visit very often and everything, i will hate to leave them. i feel so bad right now, i went "fairy booting" today and i wasnt paying attention adn i went into the road and i couldnt hear the car cuz of my head phones and i saw it a little too late ad so i went to turn and twist to avoid it and i ended up falling back and hitting my head i laid there for like 10 mins but nobody cared, i didnt think anyone would though. i have a really bad headache from tht and crying all afterschool almost. i just read somebodyes live journal that i usually dont read and it made me cry, oh well, brad said i should read it so i did. i love listening to Korn it calms me down and gets me out of reality sometinmes. i got taken shopping by my friend Jamie saterday and i got some shorts and a pair of pants shoes and 2 shirts and like this one exercize outfit or p.j.s whatever i want to usethem for. she is so sweet to me. and i feel bad about hanging up on Brad a bout a million times yesterday but he kept calling back and he was asking me questioms i didnt feel like answering but now that i thought about them i answered them(and nobody knows the answers!!!!) unless i decide to tell someone the q's and a's thentheyll know but i dont see a reason to. OH guess what!!?? I LOST IT!!!!!! I LOST MY WRITING ABILITY!!!!I cant believe it. that just depresses me even more than losng my drawing ability cuz that wasnt all that important to me. but my poetry was like MY escape and my way to let loose and express myself to ppl when i couldnt tell them how i felt with words that come from your mouth. i dont really know what else i could write about that happened today if i think of something later ill post it tomorrow or later, so Later!!!
current mood: blah
current music: Korn-Blind
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| Friday, May 11th, 2001
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7:36 pm
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today was pretty good Mike and i walked home with John and James, then Mike and i hung out at the park for a while it was kinda odd at first but then it was fun we started throwing tanbark and sticks at eachother. Last night/early morning i was talking to him on the phone and i cleare up all his confusion and now i have made him think.believe that our break up was his fault and it wasn't, i was the coward and the stupid one and now im paying for it. He's all i think about all the time, brad called me pathetic today when he called. i went swimming to day also, it was okay. but i have come to a conclution on whether im moving to my aunts or not, lets just say it is no longer my decision alone, some of you might not get that but when i move or if i dont ill explain it. Brad seemmed really happy today for some reason but he still thinks i am pathetic and that...nevermind i dont wanna think about it cuz the thought depresses me.
"There's nothing else to lose
theres nothing else to find,
theres nothing in the world
that can change my mind,
there is nothing else...
im closer to where i started
chasing after you,
im falling even more in love with you
letting go of all ive held on to..."-lifehouse.
that is the song im listening to that song also makes me think of mike. i am getting mixed signals from brad he is really happy but he is mad at me, so i dont know whats goin on, oh well, Later!!!
current mood:  energetic
current music: Lifehouse-Hanging by a Moment
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| Thursday, May 10th, 2001
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8:37 pm
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i feel ki da pathetic writing in this again, i just need to talk about my problems but then again if i do ill cry so i dont want to i am confusing myself now, i think i pissed brad off last night when i called him i was really upset and i needed someone to talk to. well i doubt he wants to hear my problems anymore so im not gonna bother him about it anymore cuz its not like he can fix it anyway. well my bro is home and he has medicine and stuff so he should be fine in a few days or weeks i cant remmber which one the doc said i was crying to much. i wish i could have just one wish...i dont think that made muc sense to you ppl but it made sense to me, why am i such an idiot? i hate... no wait i dont hate...i dislike myslef sometimes cuz i am sooooooooooooooooo STUPID!!!!!! i dont like the nighttime it makes me think WAY too much and it gets worse when im not online cuz i have no one to talk to unless i can call somebody but i rarely do that unless they tell me to. well lets see if i can get through tonight... now theres a challenge! okay well now i am very very bored. Later!!
current mood:  scared
current music: Korn-Blind
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(comment on this)
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6:14 pm
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well yesterday my friend Brad surprised me and came down for a brief visit. He talked about my "problem" with eveything and when we went swimming i think he wanted to drown me. but he didnt! YEAH!!!! he left though. and i still have the same confusion. Well my little brother, David, he's 8 and he got sun poisoning and now he was in the hospital when i went to see him today, he is probly hom by now and if my mother lets him go in the sun and without suntan lotion again im going to hurt her, cuz the whole reason this happened is cuz she is a crackwhore(litterally) and she let him play all day yesterday in the sun with no shirt or lotion in 100 degrees. he was red and had some blisters on him, it was so sad, i cried at the hospital and walking home and at the park and now i am typing but i dont have tears at the moment. well i do but im talking to Mike and so i am thinking about all thats going on with him and my little bro and im tired so im not crying. i think i may start though cuz i just asked mike the wrong question, and no i didnt ask him out im smart enough to know he won't give me another chance even though that thought pains me i must face the truth sometime. i wrote 2 poems today i was very upset and mad so they are crapy but ill probly type them in a minute. plus i need something to keep me busy so i dont cry even thiugh im on the brink of breaking down again.
Dearest Brother
It's hard to believe on of the things that brought you joy,
Might take you out of this world for good
I hope that one day you shall again play in the sun like a little boy,
You were so young and carefree
Now I see that it can easily be taken
I pray you will come back to me
It scares me so
I couldn't even think today
I just prayed that you don't go
So I can play with you another day.
thats the first one.
this is the other one....
I can't explain the way I feel
I miss you so much
I don't want this to be real
I'll try to mend my shattered heart,
find my scattered soul
I don't want us to be apart
Once again I am battered and bruised
Emotions make me so dumb
I hate this confusion I have
I wish I could just go numb
Only you can make my heart and soul spark
I dream of you
I want out of this dark
I so much want a second chance
I promise I wouldn't harm you again
only you can make my soul dance.
theres the other one well today was pretty good all things considered. but i dont really have anything to write except........ Later!!!!
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Slipknot-Wait and Bleed
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| Wednesday, May 9th, 2001
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7:05 pm - Surprize!
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well today started off very odd cuz at about 1 or 2 in the morning i was talking to my Ex, Mike, and he wanted to know something but i didnt really want to tell him but i wanted to know something also, but it really seemed to bother him so eventually i told him, i told him that i didn't realize what i had when i had it. He is sweet kind goodlooking caring funny and i really like him i dont even really know why i broke up with him, but i can't change the past, but i know that he wont take me back im not even gonna mention it to him for i fear he will get even more angry with me. Too bad he doesn't believe what i do with relationships, spookie also believes this but i know of many who dont but this is my way of being me. Then he told me what i wanted to know and so today was kinda awkward cuz i didnt really want to be around a lot of ppl so i hung out with Krista for a while wandered around by meself and talked to spookie and Jessica cole. but all at seperate times. my friend kept bugging me about why i was acting "different" than i usually do, i didnt feel like answering her. and now i am hearing things from ppl but im not gonna believe it unless i hear it from the person that is "supossed" to be saying them. I have a confesion! i usually never regret anything in my life but now i regret something i feel so pathetic right now, and im confussed one of my friends that i did tell slapped me in the back of the head and called me a "stupid ass" cuz i told her what was wrong wth me. i am so lost and confused i dont know what to think or believe anymore i just keep hearing everything and anything and i dont know whats true and whats not so i am only gonna trust in myself, cuz at the moment that is the only one that i can completely trust in, but i do still trust my "real" friends. i know what i feel and what i think even though i am confused. but ive written enough for now so i might write again. Later!!
current mood: crushed
current music: Creed-What's This Life For
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| Monday, May 7th, 2001
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8:09 pm
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I walk alone,
I am alone,
I think alone,
I'll die alone,
Don't think I can make it on my own,
I think I need someone to save me.
Such is life,
So sad but true.
Kill everything,
That's close to you.
Try to decide what not to do,
You know you can not control me
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I think there's no point in,
Going any further,
Than I've gone already.
Can't keep my hand steady.
CHORUS:
Sadness,
Everyday for me.
You can't take that away from me.
All these fucking thoughts inside my head are almost more than I
can take,
You push and push on me,
You're gonna keep on pushing til I break.
You think you control me,
Have no chains that hold me,
Only thing that saves me
is the voices that just might kill me. -staind Break
What is your fucking problem?
You wanna know what my problem is?
Alone,
I walk beside myself,
Alone,
You put my on the shelf.
Alone,
With my insanity
Alone,
No one to blame but me.
But if you had told me when I was much younger,
That life has a way of pulling you right under,
Wouldn't be standing here preaching my hate,
Stand at the edge straring into my fate.
CHORUS:
I see through you
What makes you think that you were God?
I see through you
Pick up the pieces as I fall apart
I see through you
Why must you fuck with me this way?
I see through you
Wither away with me
Betrayed
You left me here for dead
Betrayed
By the voices in my head
Betrayed
Left me out in the rain
Betrayed
Nothing left but pain
I'm sick of the answers you have to my questions
Your cannibal instincts and false dedications
You leave me here cold, nothing left but my shell
To die while I'm living and burn in my hell
CHORUS
I pick you apart little by little
Til nothing is left but the look on your face
Once inside I can get at what's inside
Beneath your facade, I can see your disgrace
The walls that you build up will crumble around you
The pain you will feel as you wither away
The sun, though it comes up, will warm you no longer
Your strongest emotions, I'll make you betray.- Staind See through all
I force myself through another day
Can't explain the way today just fell apart like everything
Right in my face
And I try to be the one
I can't accept this all; because of you, I've had to walk away
>From everything
CHORUS:
I'm afraid to be alone
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I'm afraid to come back home
Another sleepless night again
Hotel room's my only friend and friends like that just don't add
up
To anything
And I try so hard to be
Everything that I could never take away from you again
Cuz' I heard you say
CHORUS
I cannot forget
I live with regret
I cannot forget
I live with
I live through this
I can't see through this
I can't do this anymore -Staind, Home
those are the songs im listening to right now i kinda feel like all of them plus more, in a way i hate emotions cuz in the end all that happenes is you get hurt and getting hurt sux. when you are happy it ends when your upset it sux when youtr angry it could hurt and suck at the same time.i like a quote,"And all I loved, I loved alone."-Edgar Allan Poe. i havent eaten anything to day i probly should eat something though. well then i think im gonna go look for food but probly wont eat anything. Later!!
current mood: blank
current music: Taproot-emotional times
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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6:41 pm
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Well today was pretty kewl, i guess you could say i have more friends than i thought i did, which is a good thing. Lady Pandora is not doing so well i hear, i wish her the best with her life she deserves a good life she is a very good person. Brad is thinking about moving back to Riverskank, i hope he does. today i just feel all these different emotions i really like the song im listening to the lyrics are kewl too.
Hang me, watch awhile
Let me see you smile as I die
Take me, as my body burns
Let me see you yearn, while I cry
One step on your own
And you walk all over me
One head in the clouds
You won't let go
You're too proud
One light to the blind, and they see
One touch on the head, we believe
Adore me as I drift away
Let me hear you say I'm fine
You cry as my body dies
All that you despised is gone away
One step on your own
And you walk all over me
One head in the clouds
You won't let go, you're too proud
One light to the blind, and they see
One touch on the head, we believe
thats Ode for Creed but the songs over now. well i miss all my friends that live far away, they mean a lot to me and i hardly ever see them which sux. i am so glad schools almost out but then again im not. well i dont know what else to write now so i might write again. Later!!
current mood: indescribable
current music: Creed-Torn
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